Mommy fatigue

It's sometimes hard to journal and I don't think it is just the act of sitting down and writing, but also being able to articulate my thoughts and feelings. I know that I am poor at being consistent with my journaling, but I also have a hard time feeling as if I am doing it justice. I realize that I am not a great intellectual and I don't have earth shattering thoughts or views. I have a pretty normal life, but I do want to have these thoughts and events recorded for my family.

For some reason right now I am feeling a little anxious. I have been quite sleep deprived lately and maybe that has something to do with it. I feel as if I have been walking in a daze or a fog for about the last 2 weeks. Riaan is not sleeping well and Rykker is waking up at night too. Not atypical for a parent of 3 young children, right?. I am feeling quite inadequate at this time as a mother, sister, wife, friend, neighbor, and all the roles that I try to fill. I know that we should always recognize our weakness so that we might be humbled and recognize our need for our Savior, but it is sometimes unsettling to feel the anxiousness.

I have wanted to record how I felt about a week and a half ago during the Idaho Falls Temple rededication that was broadcast to many parts of Idaho. It was a great meeting and dedicatory prayer. During the dedicatory prayer and especially during the Hosanna Shout, I felt and overwhelming feeling of The Spirit. It was almost tangible. I felt as if it was the Lord accepting His House. I needed that boost and reassurance that the Temple is truly the house of God. I didn't speak in tongues or have lightning strike, but it was a very strong and powerful impression that the temple is His house and that Christ is real.

Llyr and I went to the temple on Saturday and it was a great experience and the Spirit and goodness is so real there. I know it is real, but often I let life take over and become more important to me.

I have really been in awe of my children lately. I look at them and can truly see their mature spirits and their courage and strength and power. I feel so lucky to be given these spirits to raise as their earthly mother. I hope that I can direct them down the right path.

Riaan is so persistent and sometimes outright naughty, but she is so loving and I get the impression that she wants to do the right thing and make good choices, but she just doesn't know what is right and what is wrong yet and I think she does have some of a desire to push certain boundaries. She did deliberately run into the road at the library today when I asked her to stop and wait, so I had to run after her with Rykker in the front pack and the diaper bag on my shoulder and LJ was waiting on the side of the road looking both ways before proceeding to cross.

Regardless, they are sweet and special spirits. I learn so much from them daily.

I will try to get more written here each week and will try to make this part of my family history work.

Happy Easter!- Written Easter 2012, just found the draft and published it today

Today was a good Easter for Llyr and me. We went to church and I was able to speak in church. I spoke about Christ and the Resurrection and it was good for me to focus on the Savior more this week than I probably usually do, but I need to do better. My sweet husband, Llyr was in the back middle with his lovely mustache so I could focus on him the whole talk and not get nervous. He said I did well and that's what really matters.

Nursery was crazy today. The kids were naughty, naughty, but still cute. I had them play duck, duck, goose with Llyr and one sweet 2 year-old girl kept saying 'guck, guck, GUCK!'. She didn't quite get the goose part. After church we were able to go to Catherine, my co-worker's, house for Easter dinner. It was very nice for her to invite us and we were able to meet her family. They live in Layton and so on our way home we stopped by Llyr's maternal grandfather's grave-site. Llyr was only 7 years-old when his grandpa passed away and so it was a nice visit. I began to feel a little more connected to him. From the stories I hear, I know he was a great man while on the earth. Thanks to technology, we were able to take a picture on the phone and send it to his mom and grandma.

We later went on a hike behind the Draper Temple. It is beautiful there. We really enjoy being outside. I am so grateful that I chose a husband who likes and encourages me to do those things. All in all it has been a wonderful Easter. I am so grateful for the life and sacrifice of my Savior.