Mommy fatigue

It's sometimes hard to journal and I don't think it is just the act of sitting down and writing, but also being able to articulate my thoughts and feelings. I know that I am poor at being consistent with my journaling, but I also have a hard time feeling as if I am doing it justice. I realize that I am not a great intellectual and I don't have earth shattering thoughts or views. I have a pretty normal life, but I do want to have these thoughts and events recorded for my family.

For some reason right now I am feeling a little anxious. I have been quite sleep deprived lately and maybe that has something to do with it. I feel as if I have been walking in a daze or a fog for about the last 2 weeks. Riaan is not sleeping well and Rykker is waking up at night too. Not atypical for a parent of 3 young children, right?. I am feeling quite inadequate at this time as a mother, sister, wife, friend, neighbor, and all the roles that I try to fill. I know that we should always recognize our weakness so that we might be humbled and recognize our need for our Savior, but it is sometimes unsettling to feel the anxiousness.

I have wanted to record how I felt about a week and a half ago during the Idaho Falls Temple rededication that was broadcast to many parts of Idaho. It was a great meeting and dedicatory prayer. During the dedicatory prayer and especially during the Hosanna Shout, I felt and overwhelming feeling of The Spirit. It was almost tangible. I felt as if it was the Lord accepting His House. I needed that boost and reassurance that the Temple is truly the house of God. I didn't speak in tongues or have lightning strike, but it was a very strong and powerful impression that the temple is His house and that Christ is real.

Llyr and I went to the temple on Saturday and it was a great experience and the Spirit and goodness is so real there. I know it is real, but often I let life take over and become more important to me.

I have really been in awe of my children lately. I look at them and can truly see their mature spirits and their courage and strength and power. I feel so lucky to be given these spirits to raise as their earthly mother. I hope that I can direct them down the right path.

Riaan is so persistent and sometimes outright naughty, but she is so loving and I get the impression that she wants to do the right thing and make good choices, but she just doesn't know what is right and what is wrong yet and I think she does have some of a desire to push certain boundaries. She did deliberately run into the road at the library today when I asked her to stop and wait, so I had to run after her with Rykker in the front pack and the diaper bag on my shoulder and LJ was waiting on the side of the road looking both ways before proceeding to cross.

Regardless, they are sweet and special spirits. I learn so much from them daily.

I will try to get more written here each week and will try to make this part of my family history work.

Happy Easter!- Written Easter 2012, just found the draft and published it today

Today was a good Easter for Llyr and me. We went to church and I was able to speak in church. I spoke about Christ and the Resurrection and it was good for me to focus on the Savior more this week than I probably usually do, but I need to do better. My sweet husband, Llyr was in the back middle with his lovely mustache so I could focus on him the whole talk and not get nervous. He said I did well and that's what really matters.

Nursery was crazy today. The kids were naughty, naughty, but still cute. I had them play duck, duck, goose with Llyr and one sweet 2 year-old girl kept saying 'guck, guck, GUCK!'. She didn't quite get the goose part. After church we were able to go to Catherine, my co-worker's, house for Easter dinner. It was very nice for her to invite us and we were able to meet her family. They live in Layton and so on our way home we stopped by Llyr's maternal grandfather's grave-site. Llyr was only 7 years-old when his grandpa passed away and so it was a nice visit. I began to feel a little more connected to him. From the stories I hear, I know he was a great man while on the earth. Thanks to technology, we were able to take a picture on the phone and send it to his mom and grandma.

We later went on a hike behind the Draper Temple. It is beautiful there. We really enjoy being outside. I am so grateful that I chose a husband who likes and encourages me to do those things. All in all it has been a wonderful Easter. I am so grateful for the life and sacrifice of my Savior.

2 months for Rykker and 4 years for LJ

As I am trying to journal more, I realize how hard it is and why I have been so bad at it. I need to just do it for the time it takes to make a habit (I've heard 3 weeks) and just get it done.

Today was well child checks for both LJ and Rykker. The boys both got shots, so it was a hard 10 minutes before and after the shots. Otherwise, the visits went well. LJ is a big 34.6lbs and Rykker is about 100th off of 12 lbs, so we'll say 12 lbs. Neither of them are very tall in the percentile, but the height to weight ratio works well.

Rykker is wearing 3 month clothes, smiling, and cooing all the time. He is such a precious little babe. Last week I met with President Colt of the Stake Presidency for my temple recommend interview and I had Rykker with me. President Colt made the comment that Rykker had just come from the old side of heaven, meaning he is an "old soul". I know that sounds funny, but I have distinctly had that impression too. He is a very wise spirit that was entrusted to Llyr and me. What a responsibility?. It is  overwhelming to think of the charge that I have been given as a mother to the 3 amazing spirits that are very special spirits/beings to their Heavenly Father. I pray daily to know how to teach and guide them, but I sure make a lot of mistakes. (Especially when I have a four year old screaming at the top of his lungs before the shots were even given today...Ah...)

I have a lot of great examples of phenomenal mothers in my life and I tend to glean off of their examples and history. I hope that I can succeed. It really is all worth it each day when I get a kiss, or an I love you, or a cuddle and a smile. I love being a mama, even though I really am wanting some caffeine right now because I was up with all 3 children last night getting "babas" and rice heating packs for a 4 y/o who was having a sore neck before bed and woke up realizing the rice pack wasn't in the bed with him. It was quite traumatic at 4 am for LJ. Good think I had just finished rocking Riaan for 45 minutes and was about to feed Rykker.

I'm back

It has been about a year and a half since I have written and I have been feeling this need to begin to journal. This is probably the best place for me to journal and to stay up to date with that, so here goes another try. I won't try to make up for lost time, but will say that today Rykker is 2 months old. He is such a joy. He is starting to smile. He is rarely fussy and is by far our best sleeper so far. The other kiddos are doing pretty well too. Riaan is climbing out of her crib on a regular basis. We want to transition her to the toddler bed soon so we can move Rykker to the crib, and we thought that since she is climbing out of the crib she might be ready, but she likes to climb out of the toddler bed too. I'm not sure when this transition will be made. Hopefully it won't take too long. Riaan also loves her babies right now (not just Rykker) and will rock them to sleep and pat their tummies and say "shhh". She is going to be such a good little mama one day. Little Llyr has turned 4 and is really starting to grow up. It is making me a little sad, but he is still such a sweetheart to his mamma and I hope he always comes up to me at random times and gives me hugs and tells me he loves me. That happens on a daily basis now and I don't want it to stop. (He just came up to me while I am typing this and sat on my lap and told me he loved me. I feel pretty lucky.) My kids are my life and I do love it. (They are bringing me play food right now. It's so yummy.)

Tucker is on his mission right now in the Scottsdale Arizona mission. He is doing really well and always challenges us to improve our spirituality. I asked him for a New Year's Resolution idea to help improve my scripture study and he suggested to look for the Doctrine of Christ as I read and study. I know that January is  almost over, but I am now going to begin this more directed study.

Today I finished the introduction and testimonies that come before the official starting of the Book of Mormon. I am grateful for the sacrifices that were made by these prophets both ancient and modern to bring to pass this work of scripture.

We have had record breaking snow this year and there are days we get to really enjoy it.

Sometimes they get along in the bath.

Riaan is starting to babysit young. She's doing a great job with baby Rykker